I was sent to a boarding school I didn't like. As much as it honed me, it ruined my life even more. But then I graduated feeling free, only for a couple of months till I was admitted to a dental school. Two years of struggling for freedom and a lot of failed tests and one major subject exam falied later, I'm left even more confused as to what to do with my life.
Blogging has been amazing. It has opened doors for me I never imagined it would open. From getting selected by Google to conduct a photo blogging workshop (that too after a year of blogging) to attending the PFDC Sunsilk Fashion Week and meeting loads of celebrities and making new friends over these (almost) three years, i feel like my blog readers are my really close and good friends. But I have been trying so hard to juggle the two lives together that I sometimes feel like I've lost who I was.
If you go through my past posts, you can see the evolution, from very disoriented and childish thoughts to well refined and mature words, that's how it has been. But now, at this stage in life where my open mindedness is costing me so much and realizing my society can never accept a person like me, I have come to the conclusion that I need a long break from blogging. I might post occasionally, but i feel like I have been beaten and broken.
I have tried so hard to work on making my dreams come true that I have ignored what I had. And I have a lot I had never noticed before. I failed that major subject, and it cost me six months of my studies, focus, freedom and almost everything. I guess it takes a few failures for us to realize where we are headed. I was headed in the wrong direction, and i'm trying to fix it. So I'm sorry if i hurt anyone in the process of living this weird life, even though I brought it on myself, but i'm sorry.
Also, I need time to create an identity. I see so many bloggers out there right now that I just feel like a fish lost in the sea. I was 13 when i was sent to boarding school and in that time, I realize i could have been the Pakistani version of Tavi Gevinson. But I'm not, because every time I have tried to make my name, this world has tried it's best to lead me down the drains. i'm just this 19 year old guy who can write and is a famous youth poet who gets published a lot. But I'm not that even anymore, my studies have taken that away from me too. I know i'm unique, i just need to find a way out of this world where I'm lost. NYC can wait. But time won't.
So as I miss out on a lot of opportunities and cry over the ones I've lost, I promise myself that I will never let go of who I am, I will keep doing what i do. i might be slow, late and fret over losing the implementation of my idea to someone who does it before me, i will be me. I will find my niche. And while the world is out there doing whatever it wants, i will fight it and in later years, i hope, i will quietly rejoice (and maybe regret) reaching the destination even if it's so late.
Please bear me and my rants for a while, even though I know some of you guys adore only that.COLDPLAY - LOST! from Matthew Wood on Vimeo.
, by Haseeb Sultan