The people who are forever judging you for whatever you do or don’t do, their words, their presence — all have the tendency to take control of your calm
You come there to find a tree standing along the tall building you are in with the people who try to pull you down. Nature is supposed to help one feel calm. The tree is there, but it isn’t helping.
You feel sad for the tree. With its leaves hanging, you wonder how it was able to survive this place. And then you think about yourself. You know that despite feeling like you are being drowned, you have it in you to keep going. You think back to the times when you could smile in the sun. Now you can’t even cry in the toilet because every territory is ‘theirs’.
Even in your bed at night, your tears have run dry. You cannot even cry. So you bottle up your feelings.
Waking up feels like a struggle. You are intrinsically a positive person, and you try your best to keep a smile on your face. But then there is always the breaking point. In fact, there can be many breaking points. The smile turns into a frown, and their frowns turn into smiles. It’s like they robbed you of your smile and gave you this weight to carry that you shouldn’t have to, in the first place.
The people around you who are forever judging you for whatever you do or do not do, their words, their presence — all have the tendency to take control of your calm.
They invade your personal space by making you think about yourself what ‘they’ think about you. They start controlling your feelings, your thoughts, your imagination, even when they are not physically there. And then you start shutting down.
You come home tired. You leave the next day, still tired. Your life is a drag.
It’s hard to be happy when you are surrounded by people who ‘radiate’ negative energy. They may not be your high-school bullies but they are out there to make you lose confidence in you anyway. Knowingly or unknowingly. Why? Because you are ‘different,’ and because you don’t blend in.You start becoming timid, even though you used to be a live wire. The fake smile and the bold front do you no good. The walls are closing in — or, at least it seems so — and you feel like with every breath you take, they keep coming to get you.
But you try. You go to birthday parties, but stand on the sides. You take selfies, but in black and white. You ignore most event invites, and the ones you go to, you spend as little time there as possible.
You feel like they are following you around. Hounding you. Stalking you.
You keep going, at times trying to be like them but failing, then trying again, and failing.
At times, you feel like giving up. You realise what all the effort is worth — nothing. And you realise it’s for those who you wouldn’t even want to be stuck with in a building elevator for a couple of seconds.
A genuine smile reaches your eyes as you think how nothing lasts forever. And nothing will. You shall soon be out some place else, amidst people whose paths won’t cross too often with you, and who don’t know you well enough to want to judge you for always. Perhaps, this is how you will survive the negative energy that surrounds you for now.