Seeking Refuge in the Solid Beliefs of a Chess Board

I have a long way to go...
So many new friends to make,

and old ones to break.
Maybe befriend myself,

fall into self-hate,

complete the cycle,

but keep walking.

I have a lot of hearts to break...

My mother's hands will clench themselves
as I say some things I mean and don't.
With her pure glass heart
through which I see a distorted self
I will take a piece and stab my tongue.
So that the next time I talk to my father
I break his heart too.

I have a lot of words to say...
My brothers' wishes I will take
and hold in my blood as gifts to make.
Hoping the seeds of blood
run deep underground.
So this soil my existence soils
through the oceans will stay in touch with theirs.

I have a lot of things to leave behind...

But I am not running from myself.
I was self aware as a child to the point

where I would take in the words of
hearts that didn't know love from pain
and turn them into mosaics of my own thoughts and tears
that kept me in check.

I have a lot of acceptances to seek...

I have a lot of feelings I know I know
and emotions I know I don't know,

along with the words I don't know I don't know.
So maybe on this chess board
where I fight my pawns as theirs,
I won't have to go on anymore.

And in this soil,

with these hands that grasp my soul
and hearts I broke in vain
I will just stay...

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*Header image via fuckingyoung.es