August '19 Moodboard - Growing Pains

My acne is back. My back hurts. I am gaining weight.

I am trying to love myself more. I am going through so much emotional growth, its gotten hard to keep track.

I recently started this new notebook titled "things i want to text my friends but don't" in which I have been writing all the random thoughts I would just text my friends. It involves general observations to things that happen. Am I starting to push people away by actively pushing myself away? Wait, how do I rephrase this? Hmmm.... I am starting to pull myself away from people by staying silent on things that made conversations typically me. It doesn't matter if I throw this out into the world, I know my friends don't read my blog. And I like it like that. My friends know the real me. But I am not the same me anymore.

I am harboring so much inside of me, and at the same time I have been giving and giving and giving. I am not tired. But I think I need to pull myself away because I know it has the tendency to be borderline toxic for me.

I am trying to give up on coffee. Initially I had a three-day migraine. It was horrible. I didn't get out of bed. But I am now feeling much better. A bit lethargic.....? No. I think its the initial phase of recovery. I am shifting to herbal teas again. I hope once I start work, it doesn't come back to bite me.

I like taking off social media whenever I like now. I'm not attached to it anymore. Isn't that great? I think it comes from finding my identity outside of my projections. I want to keep moving. I want t keep unlearning, and absorbing new experiences. This is why I think I have never believed in forming opinions. Opinions hold me back from learning. One thing I really want to practice more of now is not sharing my perception of people to the people I am perceiving. It's kind of strange, but I want to trust the world more. At my age, its easy to stay secluded and mistrust the world.


But haha! I mean, at one point I am pulling myself away, and at the same time I am trusting the world more. When I think about it more, I think it's more like....I am pulling myself away so I cannot let the preformed opinions in my head taint new experiences and take the new experiences in more of their honest form. Yeah. I think that makes sense, right?

Vulnerability was never the issue and it will never be. I think I am forever prone to just expressing myself. Miley Cyrus came out with her new heartbreak song a few days after the announcement of the death of her marriage. I think I am like that too. I was thinking that today. Some artists feel it all before they express themselves through their art. Some process through the art. But it's so so so brave to share it with the world. I think I am losing that bravery. I am becoming selfish with my words. I have slowed down on the sharing. But it could also be because now I am seeking clarification in others' art. I am reading more, seeing more visual artists' work and learning so much about myself through that. That's maybe why I have slowed down. But I am proud of the slow blossoming of my words. My urdu writings, and my recent english poetry are somethings I'm really proud of.

Mujahid Butt's instagram has this post that says "har kisi ko aik hadsa zaroori hai" and I keep thinking how many of these disasters will I have to face. At this point in life, tbh, I don't even see disasters as disasters. I just see them as they are, removing the hurt from them. I am fighting with myself to rationalize my hurt. Last night when I fought with a friend, I told him I'll call him back after peeing and in those few moments from the moment I cut the call to when I called him again, my response changed from "I am disappointed that I had to fight with you to understand me" to "Maybe I am just projecting my insecurities on you." Too many hadsaat. Too many unbecomings.

         

Via Mujahid's instagram @mujahid_butt

The calm that comes with self awareness is scary sometimes. I don't react to things anymore. I respond. That's kind of a profound realization. Wow. But the anger in me is slowly dying. I am glad the passion remains though. People confuse the anger of the youth with the passion of the youth. It is very difficult to see that they are different things. I know now why my mother blamed "hormones." on all of my tantrums. I, however, in a very childlike pattern, think that she was right to blame it on teenage. But I blame it on the heartbreak that comes from learning that all the good things taught to us in our early grades don't matter. That life isn't simple as our brain was told it to be. It is important to find that conflict to grow, I think. People with simple lives, they're the ones who hurt the complex ones most. Because we, the complex ones, know that life is not as simple as black and white, and that the grey area is what constitutes the emotional balance. To wish simplicity is to wish to be stupid. The happiness that comes from stupidity is pure, nascent, reactive. The happiness that comes from complexity, albeit distorted, has something about it that stays, it's responsive.

Coming to clothes now, I want to wear dress pants now, I guess. I want to experiment with my wardrobe. Maybe it's my way of embracing the world. With a back ache and acne. Huh. I'm ok with it.

I'm ok with everything.