September '19 Moodbaord - Blue Sunlight


I have been sitting more in the sun lately. I am slowly transitioning into the old me. The one who used to love the sun until associations that changed my meaning of the sun, and then took my meaning away from it. I am finding meaning again.

A lot has been experienced or observed in the past few weeks for me to remain the same me. The struggle to be kind is real. I forget that I have to be kind to myself too. And that is also a struggle. Self love, self expression,...the self..... it all has come to a strange halt. As if I am in the sky looking at myself and my life from above. It's all so still. I almost panicked the other night. because of the stillness in my life.

I wonder a lot about what I can do with my life with where I am right now. It is a bit tough to be introspective when there are so many thorns along the way that it becomes important to not look back, but keep the journey going only to avoid getting cuts. It is totally rational for some. It is just not for me. So I am trying to stop in these thorns and let myself bleed. In other words, I am allowing myself to bleed it out. I am ok with the way things are. This is where I should be. I am not sad, and learning that it is ok to not be sad, and not be happy. Sometimes it is important to isolate the hurt from sadness and happiness. Sometimes hurt is just hurt. Sometimes I am just me.



I read "The Interestings" by Meg Wolitzer. It reminded me of something my friend said:

"I want all my friends to be on the same level as me."

I think he meant it status, money and education wise. I look back in the past and see how right he was. The friendships I have had, even as a young kid, had been tainted by the presence of money in the other friend's life, or mine. Why is it that in the end, it will never be enough how much love we give, or how much care we can impart? Why does money have a way of taking away the innocence of youth? Why do we start selling our love?

I know the answer. Fear.

I am now on my path to discovering the fear of the things that stop people from loving. I am on the path to discovering the fear of things that keep people loving.

I think it was pertinent to my existence to see that my lack of such fears can also show in the way I live, the way I love. Maybe there really is a thing worse than dying; to remain unloved...

I have been loved and not loved at the same time. And I know now; the lack of love has a stronger presence in our heads than in our lives. I wish we could just focus on that. But that is what the journey is about. That is what the thorns are for. That is what the hurt is for. To recognize not their presence, but the presence of the things that soothe the cuts.

Is true happiness really true if you haven't felt sadness? I guess some happiness co-exists with their twin sadness.

I want to move past this struggle, honestly. There are so many things to feel. So many experiences to take in. I can't keep chasing my sadness away. Or keep looking for happiness as if it's a treasure hunt and I am a pirate fighting other pirates around for it.

Happiness will come when it has to. Sadness will too. And when, one by one, when they knock on my door, I hope I am able enough to let them in, set a dinner table and we can bond over the life we have lived. And one day, I can throw a huge dinner party for all my feelings I am now going to feel, and just be.


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