Struggling with social media addiction and wanting to take a break from it all

I have been wanting to leave instagram for a long time. Almost two years now. My struggle has been well documented in my essay that I wrote for Mangobaaz and I feel like it's good if I kept trying to stay away. It's not that I mind it, but when I go off of it, fomo is something that takes over me. And then I wanna come back.

And it's not like I feel fomo for the events or information I am missing out on. Its more like the crowd of people I have cultivated to welcome into my life, I cannot keep up with their lives and it makes me feel like a bad person. Sometimes I forget that I need to look out for myself too!

And that is what I want to do now. I have been putting my life for strangers to consume the moment my first poem got published. In 2020 it is going to be thirteen years of having been putting my emotions out there. Non-stop. I grew up knowing that this is what I have to do. Now, I need more growing up and growing inwards to do.

It is not about the validation or the dopamine rush, it is about figuring out what my priorities are in this time that I am in. I need to write for myself first. The world doesn't matter. I need to make art for myself. Not the world.

I am not complaining, I think i have an amazing social media following and my followers are the most considerate and kind people. I very rarely get bullied online. But I think I need to invest in myself too.

I have to think what is going to give me the life I want, and social media just isn't giving me anything right now. So I think it makes sense to turn myself away from it. Its a toxic relationship. I hate on instagram and twitter so much, but they give me so much too. But I should be able to give myself all that too....

I will keep my blog here as it is though. And my tumblr. My tumblr is for myself only. I lost my followers there when I accidentally deleted it and I never chased the return of them. Tumbr is a spcae for my scattered thoughts to find words and comfort through others' words and visuals.

Anyways, end of rant. I hope I can get better at loving myself and looking out for myself without losing the kindness in me, and having my new dreams come true. Ameen.

It might very well be that I am trying to let go of my desire to have control over my narrative. That being said, my socials are @haseebsultan_ on twitter and instagram. I do not use facebook at all, or any other social media platform. Those are my only handles.