June '23 Moodboard - Finding Comfort in Chaos

 

I think last year was just really difficult and chaotic for me because i really don't remember if i slept at all in June '22. It was so hot in my apartment, the AC was tripping and there was barely any electricity at nights. I have no memory of that time of my life. Could it be a lack of sleep or a coping mechanism to how traumatic everything was? I really don't know, honestly. But last year's summer has been left behind.

This is the summer of ice lollies and walking half hour every day to the bus stop so I can take the van to work in my old sunnies and cute shoes. I am sitting in the van as i type this. It is not as hot this year as last year. Isn't that strange, the clouds are chaotic? They come, disrupt routines, and smugly leave. My good shoes are now muddy. I had forgotten i left them at the entrance of our house when i last wore them because i stepped in a puddle of mud. They'll be four years old soon. I prided myself on taking care of my things but the clouds had other ideas for the shoes.

I think the weather being unpredictable is a really good indicator of how nothing is ever in our control. Of course I'm talking about the weather, which is pretty delusional of me to think is ever going to be in my control; but what i mean is that every night before bed I check the weather app for the forecast, and nowadays the forecast has gotten into a habit of betrayal. I already was used to being betrayed anyway so the chaos that I talk about is just my way of saying that I hate my shoes getting wet. I don't mind my clothes or my thinning hair getting wet. I abhor my shoes suffering the consequences of the way the world works. But then again, when was the world ever fair? I am learning to get used to global warming. Sometimes by losing memory, sometimes by losing shoes. I wish I didn't have to lose anything and anyone to feel like i'm going ahead in life

I did get a new tiny camera though. I planned to take it with me everywhere but i'm always so scared and lost that I forget to record my life on video. I have been struggling with monetising my life. I can't seem to record every thought and moment for the whole world to see me through. I don't want living to become a performance. I know there's always a pressure associated with being a public figure, even if its not a very big identity. Smallness is ignored in favour of the chaos of being known. I don't think i can handle that. I am fine with my niche. I'm comfortable with it.

That being said, i am looking forward to growing up. I am always looking forward to the challenges that come my way. I want to unlock all the facets i have in my abilities to deal with the world. Lets see where i find my way next...