November'19 Moodboard - Expectation Breeding Loneliness In Me

Mama just said that the only people she expects anything from are her kids and her husband....and sometimes her siblings. Others don't even fall into that category of expectations. Not even friends. I was telling her about how my certain duo of friends ditched me this weekend to go for their other friend. Idk, they know i'm not doing good yet they don't even check up on me. I think me writing about things in my life sort of helps me solidify my thoughts. I want to not expect from friends, but tbh I don't know if i can afford to be alone. Friendships change when we grow up. I think I am having a hard time letting my friendships evolve. Because, in my head, i deserve to be happy. I am forgetting that it all lies in expectations...happiness.

This is one of the struggles I've been facing lately; of having emotionally unavailable friends. I think it doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. This is also pretty prevalent in platonic relationships too. I get tired of giving. I take a break. Recover myself, and then I find myself going back to the same people who let me down only to let them exhaust me over and over. But I often think that that is all I have. I have tried to make new friends, you know. But I think I am also a very difficult person to be with.

I think me being difficult has more to do with other people's incompetence at maintaining relationships than it has to do with me being a bitch. I think when one is sure of what one doesn't want in a relationship - along with what one wants, is giving and not getting back - it gets rocky. People are lazy generally here. But not only in a physical way, but in the way they think. We're a nation with lazy moralities, and lazy sense of living. Call it entitlement maybe? But people find it easier to let people go. I don't. I invest so much. Which is why I am very cautious of whom I give myself to.

I am trying to focus on myself tbh. Which is why these realizations about the people in my life are coming in hard and coming in strong. Try being with your broken heart for two years - by yourself. Try taking your heart out of the lake of anxiety it likes to swim in. It seems to live in those clean waters of an endless thought spiral. Imagine yourself swimming in it with rocks tied to your feet, so your heart can stay there forever. Now imagine giving all your energy to get from the bottom of the water to go up to the surface - struggling for just one gasp of air, and then falling back in. Imagine this being repeated every living moment.

This is how living with myself is like.

I once wanted a house in the suburbs here where there are lakes. But lately, the city with its concrete walls and asphalt seems to make more sense. I want to build walls around my heart now.

If only I could escape this lake first, and find my way to the city.

Alone, or with the help of the people around me, I guess we'll have to see.

But it's starting to get pretty lonely now. I don't know how long I can keep holding on ....